// Letters to YVYNYL //

Yumi Zouma “Cool for a Second”

 / It was a bad hesitation / A little stumble in the back of your soul / Another hard time alone in yourself / It was a step too far to know /

// Letters to YVYNYL //

Agouti - Chameleon

 / Somehow, music seems to transcend “death” a lot. Or maybe, death brings words or music or… Carmen Caruso has been writing music as therapy for a while now and you’ll hear it in her songs. She sent me this video and a letter to tell me - and all of you - a bit more about the impact some life/death experiences have treated in her creative process. Let us know what you think below. 

Dear Mark,

I want to thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I spent some time reading through some of the other letters you posted here, and I’ve really enjoyed what other artists have shared. My album Nodes is rooted in dealing with the aftermath of death and trauma.

Watching someone you love slowly wither away is heartbreaking. You spend hours researching, trying to help them, but you feel so out of control as they become a shell of their former self. Over the past eight years, I have lost four grandparents, one to Alzheimer’s, one due to complications from repeated seizures, and two to declining health. My husband lost his mother to Parkinson’s, and we lost our pet Arthur to a tooth abscess, both of which were long-battled illnesses. 

I also lost a close friend who I used to play music with. He was about to start a new chapter of his life to study music abroad in Europe when he died on a camping trip from heart failure. No one saw it coming. I never got to say goodbye to him and that still haunts me to this day. I think that death was the hardest one of all: losing someone who was just starting out his life, and had so much life to live.

Throughout all of this, I was dealing with my own PTSD, brain fog and severe chronic fatigue. There were moments in trying to finish this album where I couldn’t write. Some days I just had to consign myself to the couch because I had no energy to do anything at all. I was tossed around from doctor to doctor, and tried everything from cleanses, sleep meds, naturopathy, acupuncture, nasal surgery, antidepressants, EMDR, heavy metal testing, and immunotherapy. My struggle to regain my health has been a long physical and mental journey that I’m still on to this day.

People have told me that my album sounds happy to them, even though the content of my lyrics doesn’t always match the mood. I think that’s almost a metaphor for how I try to hide my emotions, to pretend like everything’s OK. I feel like it is these moments of darkness that society never seems to want totalk about. I always find it unhelpful when I see people suffering from loss on Facebook, and commenters just say, “Thoughts and prayers for you and your family, give me a call if you need to talk!” People don’t understand how difficult it is for someone who is struggling to push through their own isolation to call someone else. I try to call my friends when they are not doing OK even when they don’t ask for it, because I know now that sometimes we need someone to be that person, to be a lifeline. Sometimes we all need someone to check in on us. And in a way, my album is trying to do that as well. Through my lyrics, I hope to connect with other people who have been through similar experiences and let them know that they are not alone.

This album is about turning something negative into something positive. As a node is the beginning and end of sine wave, I thought it was a fitting description as I saw several doors close in my life, and began to step through this new one with Agouti. Thank you again for taking the time to read this.

All the best,

Carmen

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TOPS “Colder & Closer”

Oh yay! I’m so stoked that these fabulous Canadians are sending out incredible new work. Massive tour coming up, too, so be sure to see them live!

Lightning Bug “The Onely Ones”

Hot off the press!

Previously: “Bobby”

Black Books “Goodbye Cool”

I would listen to anything named ‘cosmic cowboy shoegaze.’ Period. And I love that these guys are still putting out music. Been a fan for years. 

// Letters to YVYNYL //

Ian Steinberg - Feeling the Light

 / A lot of people who read this blog seem to fall into a certain amorphous group of individuals. Many, if not most, are people who are looking to use songwriting as a method of healing, grace, and purpose. Ian is an artist who sent me his music last year around this time and I’m just now getting to publish some bits of a record he put out online in the spring of 2019. Now, he’s worked on some new stuff from his base in Vermont. It is a piece he recorded in what appears to be his pretty chill bedroom. Have a listen while you read the inspiration in his letter below. 

Hi Mark!

The best way to sum up my experience with music is with the famous quote by Nietzsche: “Without music, life would be a mistake.”  For me, it is not so much a matter of why I do music, rather than I must.  

I’m not sure I would be able to find life enjoyable without my personal pursuit of music.  The sense of purpose it fills me with is a sustaining force.  That is part of why I write, to fill an ineffable part of my existence that otherwise would be lacking.  At least, that is how I’ve viewed most of my experience.  However, as a part of my healing process, I’ve been able to find a lot of joy outside of my own work and recognize the love that is around me, which has been extremely helpful.

Songwriting itself is also a healing process.  Beyond processing my thoughts and experiences through lyrics, it gives me the space to get my emotions out in a constructive manner.  Songwriting, and performing more specifically, connects me with other people’s experiences as well, allowing me to process my grief by listening to others’ stories when they approach me after shows or write to me.  I hope that it gives those who hear my music the space to do that as well.

My name is Ian Steinberg, a Burlington, Vermont based indie-folk singer-songwriter.  I’m writing to you to share a new song I wrote for my Tiny Desk submission as well as the last album I made that carries great significance to me called “Guidance.”  Entirely written, produced, recorded, and mixed by me, “Guidance” is a true indie product, with a clear arch and catchy melodies.

A quick note about “Guidance:”  The album is the aural journey of my descent into and rise out of depression.  It takes place over the course of many years and catalogs my emotional states and experiences in song form.

While I would prefer not to dive too deep into some of the stories behind this, as it’s pretty painful to discuss, even with close friends, I will try to provide some insight into the journey that the songs layout.

The album is collected into four blocks of songs all separated by instrumental (ish) interludes.  The first block is three songs that lay out some of the fundamental causes of my unhappiness, including substance abuse, loss of love, and a sincere self-doubt built upon a lack of confidence. The tone of the songs are relatively light, but the lyrical content shows how I truly feel in those moments. The songs express an ability to put on a façade of cheerfulness while internally processing difficulties.

The next block, starting with “Pieces…Pieces…” is the true descent. A shift in tone and content, this block of songs shows some of the most difficult times in my life. “And Now…” (video live from the Wishbone Collective in Winooski, Vermont) describes the loss of one of my best friends to a drug overdose. “How Can Our Fathers” describes my dealing with what, for lack of better terms, was a betrayal by my dad (just a note that we have a good relationship and that this song is processing, not a lingering resentment).

The third block, beginning with “Stuck Inside the Water Basin,” is my realization that I need help.  That I can’t be alone in this struggle any longer.  The realization that I am loved.  This in some ways was much more difficult to write than the previous section, because it is relinquishing a sense of independence and the idea I can figure it out on my own.  The block contains the eponymous song of the album, and how I’m pleading for guidance, needing help.  "One Foot One Knee" is an ode/anthem/chant to perseverance and recognition that we need to move one foot in front of the other.

The last section starts with “Fatima.”  This contains a passage from Paulo Coelho’s “The Alchemist” when the main character sees the love of his life for the first time.  This is a bridge between a sense of destiny/place in “One Foot One Knee,” to processing losing what I thought was the love of my life in “At the Risk of Coming Off as Trite.”  The last song, “Sunshine,” is a message of thanks, and that I’m working through this still, and that I’m grateful for the things around me despite my mental state.

I guess maybe I dived deeper into it than I was expecting, but I hope you enjoy listening with this context.

I’ve also released a video of me and my lead guitarist performing the track “And Now…” live from The Wishbone Collective in Winooski, Vermont.

Thanks for your time and consideration.  I hope you enjoy the album!

Best,

Ian

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// Letters to YVYNYL //

The Duskwhales - Today

 / This project is an important one. It’s about cancer, and if you know of anyone who’s going through the anxiety and body-breaking experience of going through its treatment, these songs by Chris Baker will ring true. He sent me these recordings last year and while I’ve listened to his songs a dozen times myself, I haven’t pushed through to share it out yet. I’m jumping over that hurdle right here and now. I will wait no longer. For the honesty and bravery of Chris’s letter. And great news, he just tweet’d that he is in the studio again! Read on…

Hi Mark,

I was diagnosed with Stage-2 testicular cancer in October 2017 and had surgery the day before my 24th birthday. I found out a month later that cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, so I had to undergo three months of intense chemotherapy. I was unsure what to expect going into it. The strangest part for me was it felt like every day some new symptom would kick in. One day,
I’d feel super dehydrated, the next I’d have terrible stomach pains and my ears would be ringing. Then there was insomnia. Back pain. Acid reflux. Shortness of breath. Weird metallic tastes in my mouth. Some days I was so tired I could hardly move. Did I mention my eyebrows were falling out? It really felt like I was just pulling a lever waiting for some bizarre new change to befall me.

Today will be the death of me. As the side effects of the drugs continued piling up, I was constantly looking for new things to distract myself from the ever-evolving ways that my body was falling apart. Whether it was listening to podcasts, watching countless hours of BBC nature documentaries, or starting an online petition to get the new Star Wars movie streamed in hospitals. 

My favorite distraction (though I didn’t always have the energy for it) was writing and recording music. Songwriting can be very cathartic and a great way to encapsulate memories and emotions, both positive and negative. In the spring of 2018, I wrote and recorded an EP called Hospital Dreams that detailed my experience going through cancer treatment. The title track from the EP I actually wrote in the hospital one night when I was having particularly bad insomnia. The song started out as a weird poem to catalog some of the aforementioned symptoms I was experiencing, which I set to a simple melody and turned into this hypnotic sort of mantra:

I am dripping slowly from a plastic bag
Waiting to absorb another poison
I am taking liquids to relieve myself
Hoping to retain a second cycle
Oh well I lost another night of sleep
Oh well I found another needle

Fast forward a few months, I’ve now finished chemo and received the news that I’m officially in remission. My band The Duskwhales has started playing more and we even teamed up with a non-profit organization called Cancer Can Rock that sponsors artists with cancer to go into the studio to record a song for free. 

The song we chose was “Fight Back,” which is a tribute to the great support team I had during my bout with cancer.

If you can’t fight back, then I’ll fight back for you.

My bandmates, Seth and Brian, were extremely supportive during this strange, difficult time and even went as far as shaving their heads when I lost my hair. I still think I pulled off the egghead look the best, but I give them props for going bald during the winter along with me.

Our latest single “Today” was released on the one-year anniversary of my remission from cancer and harkens back to the early days of my treatment when every day felt like a new death. With musical nods to The Monkees, The Beatles, and The Turtles, “Today” is an upbeat, albeit not-so-subtle reminder of our own mortality. Our new Take It Back EP it out now.

Thanks for reading! Fight Cancer. Make Music. Live life with no regrets.

Chris

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// Letters to YVYNYL //

Nallo - Anger and Figureheads

 / It would not be a stretch to say that we’re all feeling a bit weary at the end of this decade. Depending on your perception, it’s great/terrible news that we’ve only got another month to go and we can see the doors open for another fresh ten years. Minnesotan Andrew Ranallo wrote me this letter a while back, but I think he really puts it in plain perspective. Can we let go of our anger? Can we pull down our figureheads? I think we’ve got it in us. I know that moving forward is important, but remember… there isn’t anything but NOW. Soak it in. 

Dear Mark,

Going to start with an admission: For me, your blog and this letter are a convenient time capsule—a place to put feelings that are deeply personal but that, if published, could help someone else who may be facing similar things. 

But even if I write this and it goes nowhere, it’s a perfect way to tie up some loose ends that have been bouncing around for a while.

The song and video I’m sharing come from the exact center point between progress and struggle. It’s that point of a growth period where you’re angry enough to express it and want change, but still haven’t processed enough to understand your feelings. A conflict in motion.

In 2019, I took serious space from some major, and unhealthy familial relationships. Not only because they were dysfunctional and frustrating, but because I reached a place of feeling hopeless: Nothing else left to try. 
Beyond the mental health struggles and interpersonal dynamics, these relationships fell victim to 2019 itself. Internet trolls on the bottom half of the internet. Conspiracy theories. Panic. Pizza Gate. Hate. And truly, the current anxiety of American life itself. 

Watching someone you love struggle so much, and also having to step away, is painful. And, now with some time, I can see that it was this pain and hurt that formed the foundation of the anger that fueled this song. So while it’s an expression of anger and frustration, it’s also a detachment and a hands-in-the-air submission to the uncontrollable swirl.

Now, with some time and space, I also see it as a release—writing, producing, and singing this song a hundred times for shows and recording has helped me set it down, forgive (in my heart, if not in person yet), and prepare for a new way forward.

Thank you!

Andrew

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// Letters to YVYNYL // 

OM Collective - Icaro Ayamura

 / Today, I opened my mailbox and got a package with some outrageous but amazing goodies. First, a fully-written old school Letter on paper! From Australia! The package was so cool, my kids were trying to claim them as their own. My 3 year old daughter said that the rainbow-man USB stick is now her’s. But luckily, she let me have it back long enough for me to plug it in and listen (and download) the music. Meantime, I scanned the letter for you, lovely readers. Timothy James Ferson goes deep for us, his shamanistic approach to life and music. I share many of his experiences with the magic plants of our globe and understand where he’s coming from. Why don’t you join us for the ride. Listen to this one track of his gorgeous new album, hot off the presses. 

Mark,

I’ve thought about writing this letter for about 5 years. That is, since I was 5 years into writing the album that has dominated my life for the last 10 years. It’s called ‘A Collection of Mr. Kite’s Open Mind’.

I guess I’m sort of Mr. Kite, I guess this 80 minute trip is a sort of collection of my mind, at least in the Japanese sense of the word… [the Japanese & Chinese character (‘shin’) is translated as both heart AND mind.

In a way, that one character is a symbol of the entire album… A quarter of my life documenting the exercises, experiences & obstacles in my journey towards open-heartedness & open-mindedness… - indued into one fancy-ass USB.

To begin with, these songs were experiments dominated by time-signatures & concepts. One day, one of my friends played me the first two tracks while I was tripping on Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds. For the first 30 seconds, during the opening crescent, I didn’t recognize what I was hearing. When it hit me, & I sat in silence, for 11 minutes, listening back to the recordings I had been working on for 6 months. 

When it finished, my friend asked, “How do you feel?”

I said, “I feel like I got more out of it than I thought I put into it.”

He said, “What does that mean??”

I said, “I didn’t realize I was feeling anything when I was making it. But meaning it back I could hear all the relics I must have been putting into it.”

He looked at me, again baffled, like ‘Hoe did you just know what you were feeling when you made it?’

I realized then that I had a peculiar ‘some might use the word ‘diagnosable’ inability to feel my own feelings, but that i could use music like a mirror, in which I could see clear reflections of my own emotional state. 

Suddenly, these songs became experiments in understanding my own feelings. I’m trying to refrain from using absolute statements at the moment, but it could be said that that was one of the most significant moments of my life. Top 10. To be safe. 

-

I nonchalantly mention psychedelics there, but as afraid as I am of ACOWKOM being surmised as ‘another one about drugs,’ I also have pride & honour in saying that the entire album is actually a dedication to the first time I experienced psilocybin mushrooms. [ - also one of the most significant moments of my life… Top 5. Significant enough for me to have dedicated a quarter of my life to a work of gratitude for the effects these plants have had on my life; on my relationships; on my wellbeing.]

Despite psilocybin most likely becoming decriminalized for therapeutic use in the US in the next 5-10 years, I recognize that magic mushrooms aren’t for everyone & in a way, this album is more for those who haven’t taken & wouldn’t take mushrooms, than those who have. I spent so many years imbuing the love & learnings that have developed in my life catalyzed by that first trip into these sounds. If a listener opens themselves, it’s been my sincerest intention from the beginning that they will receive the message in this music - audio - mushroom - style - & literally feel their heart, their mind, their life altered. That said, a piece of me - if I’m honest - does hope that people experience ACOWKOM with headphones on, in a supremely safe space, altered by some plant-substance, to experience it in its fullness. But again, if I’m honest, that’s the same piece of me that is scared that I haven’t made something good enough to experience sober. 

-

Anyway, this thing is coming out on the 10th anniversary of when I started writing the first songs for it (May 20, 2019). I worked on the recordings for 7 years (mostly full-time, learning how to play most of the instruments & produces as I went along), & have started writing a new album now, which is probably-but-hopefully-not another 10 years off completion. Don’t let the word out, but I’ve never been a big blog fan. I have followed your journey for a long time though. I feel it is the most genuine & connecting & least superficial piece of musical internet I have come across in my years kissing blog-ass. I sincerely respect what you’ve been doing, & I’ve always loved writing letters.

I hope these sounds move you, & I hope that - if you choose to share - all this work of yours & mine adds true value to any who come across it.

Thank you for your time & ears & heart & mind.

Blessings,

Timothy James Ferson

AKA OM Collective

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// Letters to YVYNYL //

Simon Lee - My Daughter

 / I get a lot of people sending me music that they write as a way to process. A tool to help normalize their life after trauma, and it helps mitigate the stress after a life-changing event. When I got this Letter from Australian musician Simon Lee, I was first struck by the calm he sounded. While he doesn’t use many words here, his story is powerful and deep and full of love. From his peaceful music to his straight-forward words, I’d love it if you could thank him. Listen to his song while you read his thoughts here. Also… wombats!?

Hi Mark,

I spent my early years playing in bands as a drummer, working with Australian indie bands and musicians such as Mckicko, Fur and Tom Cooney.

In June 2017 I got in my car for a 10 hour drive to visit a friend who was selling a vintage Rogers drumkit his Grandfather had left him. I decided to drive through the night and left home at midnight. At about 2am I was speeding along the highway on a stretch of road in the countryside when a large wombat suddenly walked onto the road. I swerved to avoid it and lost control of the car.

The car rolled and ended up crashing somewhere off the road, my body was propelled outside of the vehicle, and I found myself laying face down in the bush.

At that time I couldn’t remember what had just happened. It was like waking up from a dream. I was in the dark looking up at the stars, trying to work out where I was and what had happened, I wasn’t in any pain, but I couldn’t move my body.

At this point, I started to panic and had to pray to calm myself down, fortunately a truck driver saw my car and stopped.

The accident broke my neck, damaged my spinal cord and left me with my body paralyzed from the upper chest down.

After 6 months of hospital and rehab I returned home and continued to practice with some sticks and a drum pad, trying to keep my hands in shape while hoping to regain movement in my lower body, but eventually I decided to let it go.

I have always wanted to do more songwriting, and have found the process really fulfilling, so in some ways it has been a change for the better.

Living with a spinal cord injury is hard, especially in the early stages, however, I am fortunate in that I have had a lot of support from my family and friends, particularly my wife and three kids.

I have included the track “My Daughter” which was inspired by my children’s pure childlike hearts.

I hope you enjoy it.

Simon Lee

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